This hot guy on Tinder has canceled three dates in a row at the literal last minute while sending me poetic love essays. I finally reverse-searched his dog picture and it’s a burner account run by my ex’s brand-new girlfriend. Am I supposed to confront this freak or just send the chat to my ex and grab popcorn?

Grab the popcorn, Priya, but please don’t feed the pigeons. Welcome to the circus of amateur espionage. This girl isn’t dating you; she’s running an unpaid, unhinged loyalty sting operation because she’s drowning in insecurity about her new boyfriend’s past. And in doing so, she has applied clown makeup in full 4K resolution. Getting dragged into their couple drama is a trap. If you explode at her, she gets the chaotic drama hit she’s clearly hunting for. The classiest move is weaponized boredom. Screenshot everything, hit block on the burner, and—if you really can’t resist closing the loop—send the evidence straight to your ex with one dry, icy sentence: “Hey, tell your girlfriend her flirting is a ten, but her catfishing needs work. Keep her off my feed.” Then put your phone down and let them sort out their own dumpster fire. Your dating life is open for business; their weird surveillance state is not your problem.