we broke up a month ago and i still spend hours every night refreshing his insta. it hurts so much, but tonight looking at his pictures i had this sudden, terrifying realization... i don't think i actually miss him touching me or talking to me. i think i want to BE him. his jaw, his baggy thrifted clothes, how effortlessly he exists as a guy. is it normal to stalk an ex just out of gender envy?

You aren't mourning the boyfriend; you're mourning a version of yourself you haven't let out yet. That doesn't make the obsessive scrolling healthy, but it completely changes what the ache actually means. In psychology and queer spaces, this is classic "do I want to be with them, or do I want to be them?" confusion. When you live in a small town or feel boxed in, someone else's casual masculinity can feel like an impossible dream of freedom. You weren't latching onto him as a partner—you were using his profile as a vision board for your own identity. Mute or block his account today. Keeping him as your mirror will only keep you stuck in his shadow. Instead, start experimenting privately with the things you were envying: buy an oversized shirt from the men's rack, play with styling your hair differently in your bedroom mirror, or sketch yourself the way you want to look when nobody is watching. Direct all that obsessive energy back toward creating your own aesthetic. You don't need him to show you how freedom looks—you can build it yourself.