We were halfway naked when he suddenly started sobbing because of an algorithm. We’re both apprentices, it was supposed to be my first time, but right before doing it he froze, mumbled about some viral TikTok on consent, and bawled his eyes out admitting he’s a total virgin too. Why brag about being a player if you’re gonna cry on my duvet? Now Monday morning at work is going to be hell.

First off: nobody died, but his fragile alpha-male ego definitely just flatlined right on your mattress. The guy built an imaginary playboy resume to impress you, got completely overwhelmed by real-life intimacy plus some hyper-dramatic TikTok doomscrolling, and his mental fuse simply blew. It’s annoying as hell that he lied, yes. But that meltdown wasn’t about you—it was the sound of a terrified boy realizing he couldn’t fake his way through the next five minutes. To save your sanity around the office coffee machine, pop the cringe bubble before Monday morning arrives. Shoot him a deadpan text: "Hey. I'm annoyed you lied about your track record, but you don't need to dodge me in the hallway. Take a breath, we're fine." Take the pressure off. Once nobody has to pretend to be Casanova anymore, stumbling through your first time as two equally clueless beginners is actually a hundred times better anyway.